Professor Oak

Writer's Block: Proven by Science

Do you believe everything has a scientific explanation?

Here's what annoys me about questions like this: the implication that "science" is some sort of magical energy field from which one draws answers is ridiculous. The fact is that everything has a scientific explanation, period. This is not a topic for debate. We may not know what that scientific explanation is, but it's there. Even if it's God doing it. Counterintuitive, isn't it? But let's say that there's a God, just for the sake of argument. And God started the universe, pulled the cord on the lawnmower of existence. Do you know what the scientific explanation for the beginning of the universe would be? "In the Beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth." Even if no physicist ever writes down those words, that is the scientific explanation for the birth of the universe. But we don't like that, do we? So we manufacture this chasm of ideology, of Science and Faith and ne'er the twain shall meet.

It's all just a way of dividing people, of drawing a line in the sand of intellect, and I'm tired of it. All right? Let's face facts. Religion? It's silly. You're saying that there's a being capable of creating a universe of such scale and majesty that it's literally impossible to describe in any way that does it justice, and his determination for who's a worthy person is based on who goes to a big house once a week and eats crackers. Or goes to a mosque every week and pats God on the back for a good job. Or goes to a Chinese restaurant every Christmas and complains about Hanukkah presents. Whatever.

Atheism, the active belief that there is no God, is a completely irrational point of view to hold, and you don't get any skeptic points for having it. Healthy doubt is a good thing for a scientist to have, but claiming that there can't be a God just because there's no proof of it is like saying that there can't be a kitchen just because you're standing in the living room. You don't know shit about the universe or anything in it, so stop pretending you do.

For those who saw my long rant and thought tl;dr?

Yes, there's a scientific explanation for everything. Now fuck off, I'm a grumpy intellectual with a grudge.
Professor Oak

(no subject)

I like the Oracle mini-series well enough--as much as I like anything, anyway--but the covers are completely nonsensical. I mean, this is Oracle. She's a superhero, an information broker, a genius... there are a great many things they could focus on as a character trait. Why do all of the covers look like they were recycled from The Continuing Adventures of Princess Sparklytits?
Professor Oak

(no subject)

These are some of the things I believe:

- I believe in the River God. I don't know what I believe about the River God, but every time I pass over a footbridge, I throw something into the water to announce it.

- I believe that Leia is kind of a bitch. Every time Han tried to leave to go pay off Jabba the Hutt, she whined. Listen, bitch, if you're that concerned, just go with me. I'm getting stalked by bounty hunters. There are professionals who want me dead and/or tortured, so fuck your Rebellion and fuck Hoth. I got shit needs doin'.

- I believe it's spelled "come," not "cum." Warren Ellis spells it "come," and Warren Ellis is better at writing than Alexander the Great was at getting real estate, so I favor his interpretation.

- I believe that anyone who watches Fox News gets what they deserve. (Note: brain cancer.)

- I believe that anyone who has ever protested in front of an abortion clinic should be required by law to pay for any offspring that they successfully guilt confused and frightened teenage mothers into having.

- I believe that, before being allowed to vote in US national elections, you should have to answer one question: Who Is The Current President?

- I believe that if you get the previous wrong, you should be punched in the ovaries. If you are a male, you should have ovaries installed. I'll wait.

- I believe that every religion in the world is flawed, some moreso than others, and that there need be only one tenet to any belief to make the world a better place: Try Not To Be An Asshole.

- I believe that reading Transmetropolitan fucks with my head. For the next week or so I'm going to want to become a gonzo journalist. Then I'll remember that I'm lazy and hate too many things to be effective at it, so I'll come up with a new dream.
Professor Oak

(no subject)

Early morning thoughts:

- I like the S'mores flavor of Pop-Tarts, but I don't know that I would call them "s'more-like." That's one of the problems I've always had with things like this. They used to make these Ritz Bitz S'mores things (they might still do, I don't know) that were vanilla creme and chocolate creme on graham cracker circles. Those aren't s'mores. For some reason these fuckers think they can get away with white shit and brown shit and graham cracker to equal a certain dish, and that is not the case. You don't get a s'more. I don't want some more. I'm good. They should call them s'ones.

- I think that everyone I disagree with should get together. It would really be a lot more convenient for me. The problem is that I disagree with so many people on so many issues, from people who hate feminists to feminists who hate words (it is spelled W-O-M-A-N and fuck you if you think differently). Pairing up anti-gay marriage advocates with gay people who pick on bisexuals would probably strain things as well. And I suppose people that can't spell might not get along with people who protest funerals, but it would certainly make the protests more interesting if they did. "GOD HATES FIGS!" "BURN IN HALL!"

- I have my three wishes planned out for if I ever find a genie. First, I wish for the ability to know anything I would like to know at will. Frankly, that's all I need, because I'm a huge dork. Then I wanna fly. Then I set the genie free, unless I don't have to wish for that, in which case I wish for a bigger penis. There's nothing really wrong with my current penis, but I'd like it better if it was just slightly bigger.

- I don't think I could ever be gay. There are dudes I find attractive in a vague way and the idea of penis doesn't really actively disgust me. The real problem is that I wouldn't want to be with a dude who has a bigger penis than I do.

- I kind of feel bad for Republican Douchebags. Back in 2000 and 2004, when Democrat douchebags were sore over losing elections (if losing it can be called, but I really need to learn to let that go) we had the constant threat of moving to Canada. The whole America: love it or leave it thing. But conservatives don't have a Canada to go to. Apparently Hannity's forum had some fucker who made a poll about their favored method of rebellion: armed revolution, military coup, or secession. It probably explains anything anyone would ever need to know about American politics. Liberals: "If you guys won't do what I want, I'm going to take my ball and go home!" Conservatives: "If you guys won't do what I want, I'll beat up everyone who says something until everyone shuts up!" There's no conservative Canada.

- I hate it when I wake up and I mistake my alarm for something else, like a phone call or a robot. It makes it really hard to remember to get up when I think I'm just shutting off the timer for the cake I was cooking in my dream. Also, most of the time when I realize I'm dreaming, I'm about to wake up. If there was something I could do about that, that would be pretty ideal too. I have this psychology textbook that says that dreams only last about forty minutes, which might be true, but I think it feels like more than that.

- "I think it feels like more than that." I should have that tattooed on my penis.
Professor Oak

(no subject)

I was aware that Angelina Jolie has done sex scenes, but I suppose I never really gave much thought to it before. Now, I see that I am a fool, and it's time for me to rectify this. Original Sin, incidentally, is a masterpiece. So without any further ado, I present to you scientific evidence that Antonio Banderas was Jesus Christ (Lamb of Hosts) in another life.

Assume alongside me that karma is, in fact, a thing. Assume further than leading a good life will earn you rewards in the next life.

Now, assume that Jesus Christ is the best person ever to have lived.

Imagine how good a life you would have to live to earn the right to have as your job, however temporarily, to lick Angelina Jolie's nipple. "Listen, Antonio. Andy. Tony. Andytony. We want to give you this big pile of money. In exchange, you will lick Angelina Jolie's tits."

Antonio is the Jesus, all praise be to Him, amen.
Professor Oak

(no subject)

I have a bad habit of disappearing from Livejournal for months at a time when my computer decides to stop receiving internet signals for weeks at a time.

But no more!

I could ask all of you what you're doing and how you are and all that jazz, but I have one question that should cut directly to the chase.

Are you gellin'?
Professor Oak

(no subject)

Those who are wondering where the hell Jack is, his internet is off again. I'll be back when I can. In the meantime, email is a good way to reach me.
Professor Oak

(no subject)

YES. (Yes what?)

WE. (We? I just asked, "Yes what?" What does we have to do with it?)

CAN. (CAN WHAT, you shitfucker? Shall I put it together? Yes we can? Why didn't you just say that?)